


Moments

by Cookies_and_Chaos



Category: Cold Case
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:07:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 30
Words: 14,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22653730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cookies_and_Chaos/pseuds/Cookies_and_Chaos
Summary: A series of one shots between Lilly and Kat from the series five episode, "Sabotage", onwards.
Relationships: Kat Miller/Lilly Rush
Comments: 4
Kudos: 26





	1. Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> Set during and after the events of Season 5, Episode 12, "Sabotage"

Lilly's heartbeat pounded in her ears. It hadn't stopped since she heard the bomb go off over the phone, a second before the line went dead.

Redial sent her straight to voicemail no matter how many times she tried on the drive over. 

Luke Ross fought against her to try and race into the house, screaming his daughter's name, his wife's name. Lilly didn't see how adding to the noise would help so she held him back in silence. 

When Luke's shouts changed from terror to relief, Lilly looked around in time to see them emerging from the house. Vera cradling Luke's daughter and Kat leading out his wife. Dust and dirt. Coughing and tears. Lilly let go of Luke and he ran to them. 

Part of her wanted to do the same and race up and reassure herself that they - that  _ she _ \- was okay. She made herself walk instead. She squeezed Vera's shoulder as he fought off choking coughs. Patted his arm for good measure. 

She nearly lost her composure when she laid eyes on Kat up close, coated in a layer of dust and eyes bright with adrenaline. Lilly swallowed the lump in her throat and tried to say something. Once, twice. The words just stuck. Kat must have seen it on her face though because she offered a small smile and nodded. 

The pounding of Lilly's heart faded and it was like someone had turned the volume back up on the world. All at once she could hear sirens, orders being barked, footsteps and car engines, voices mingled in chaos. Vera and Kat were swept away in the noise to be checked over and Lilly needed to get back in role. At least for a while. A moment to feel was all she had time for. 

-

It was dark when she left the office. Valens had called from the hospital, let her and Stillman know that the Ross's, Vera and Kat had been given the all clear. Stillman had given her a long, hard look and then ordered her to go home. 

Lilly wondered if he had called Valens straight back because her phone rang before she reached her car. 

"Rush" 

"Didn't check the display before answering huh?"

Lilly smiled at the sound of Kat's voice, "Hey". 

"Don't suppose I can get a ride home?", Kat asked, "Well…a ride to pick up Veronica and then home?" 

"Sure, I'll meet you out the front of the hospital". If it looked like traffic was bad, Lilly figured she could bend the rules this once and use her portable beacon. 

Kat was sat on the bench outside when Lilly pulled up. They didn't say much - or at least not much that Lilly could remember - while they drove. Words didn't really seem enough. 

Veronica teared up with relief as she threw her arms around her mother, and Lilly had to look away in case it made her whell up as well. Kat moved to sit in the back with her daughter and Lilly drove them both home. 

"You need anything?", Lilly asked as she carried Veronica's school bag up to the front door for them.

Kat stopped in the doorway, Lilly held the bag out. 

"Can you stay?", Kat asked. She spoke so quietly, that Lilly thought she must have imagined it. A whisper of her own unspoken thoughts. 

"I'm not sure I'll sleep", Kat said, nudging Veronica into the house and taking the backpack off of Lilly. She didn't have to say the rest. It was the second time Kat had been forced to confront what this job could take from her. She knew Lilly could understand that. 

"Sure", Lilly agreed and she followed Kat inside the house, "just set me up on the couch". 


	2. Darkness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 5, Episode 14, "Spiders"

Lilly had almost searched the building from bottom to top looking for Kat when she found her on the roof. Kat was sat on a raised piece of brickwork at the far end of the roof, cigarette in hand. Lilly pulled her coat closer around herself and walked over. 

"Thought you gave up?", Lilly sat down beside Kat. 

"I did…", Kat said, flicking the ash from her cigarette into the makeshift ashtray bucket beside her, "what are you doing up here?" 

"Heard you and Vera went to see Spider", Lilly said, "and since Vera said Spider made _his_ skin crawl, I thought I'd come see if you were alright". 

"I'm not", Kat took a long smoke on her cigarette and then breathed out slowly, "But I don't want to talk about it. It's just…" 

"I won't understand", Lilly supplied for her, "not properly. Even if I try".

"Yeah…", Kat stubbed out the rest of her cigarette and leant forward so her forearms rested on her knees. 

"Want me to leave you alone?", Lilly asked and Kat shook her head. 

"Can we just sit here for a while?", Kat asked. Lilly nodded. 

Kat wasn't sure if it was five or ten minutes later when the first raindrops landed in droplets at their feet and broke the peace of their silence. Lilly waited for Kat to get up before she moved, and Kat wondered if the other detective would have stayed outside in the rain if that had been what Kat had chosen to do. 

"Let's go get those police records" 

-

"Hey", Kat caught up with Lilly in the parking lot, "I just read the write up from the kid…" 

"We made him remember", Lilly said, her hands buried deep in her pockets, "Miguel saw them beat his mother and then he saw them murder her, and they just got away with it". 

"We'll get them. We always do", Kat said. She wasn't even sure if she would believed the words coming out her own mouth but for the fact she had seen Lilly drive the team to close seemingly impossible cases. Lilly's reputation for being "the detective who closes the cold jobs" wasn't just based on snide comments from patrols and other detectives. 

"And then we'll open the next case that's been left to rot", Lilly said and there was a bitterness to her words that surprised Kat, it must have shown because Lilly followed up with, "Sorry. It's been a long day. For you too. I shouldn't have-". 

"How does pizza sound?", Kat asked, interrupting her and taking the conversation completely off topic. Lilly frowned, the little creases on her brow making Kat smile. 

"Pretty good, I guess?" 

"Great, then you're giving me a ride home and I'm paying you back in pizza. Veronica wants to finish reading that book with you, she says you do voices?", and Kat laughed as she got the response she was pushing for, an embarrassed blush and a chuckle. 

"How can I say no?", Lilly folded quicker than Kat expected. 


	3. Letting go

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 5, Episode 15, "Andy in C Minor"

"I let him see her. Veronica should know who her father is", Kat said, breaking the semi comfortable silence in her front room. 

She couldn't even remember what reason she had given for Lilly to come round. It didn't matter really because she was beginning to think that both she and Lilly knew that they were flimsy covers for the fact she just wanted to be around the other woman. She hoped Lilly felt the same and wasn't just agreeing for the sake of politeness or to avoid her own loneliness. 

"That can't have been easy", Lilly said. Kat wanted to groan, Lilly never really switched off the whole detective approach to conversations. She said just enough for people to work out their own thoughts and feelings and left enough space for them to fill the silence if they wanted to. 

"Would you have wanted to know your father more?", Kat asked. She regretted prying when Lilly went rigid for a moment and fiddled with the glass in her hand. She had turned down alcohol again, nursing some juice while Kat had poured herself some wine. 

"I don't know", Lilly said eventually, "what if he turned out to be all the worst I remembered and more, but then what if he turned out to be a better man than the one I knew". 

"I shouldn't have asked", Kat said, and she wanted to comfort Lilly for a moment but she wasn't sure how. A hand on her arm? An arm around her shoulders? None of that seemed right. 

"How was Veronica?", Lilly asked and Kat jumped onto the new conversation. 

"She has questions…", Kat sighed with a smile, "some I'm ready to answer. Others…" 

"Not so ready", Lilly filled in with a grin, "you'll be ready when it's the right time". 


	4. Back from the road

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Season 5, Episode 15, "The Road"

Lilly looked dead on her feet as she entered the squad room and walked over to her desk. Valens had filled them all in on the car journey. On John Smith. 

Well, he'd filled them in on most of it. Kat was pretty sure that there was something he hadn't told them from the way he hesitated and ran his tongue between his lips for a flicker of a second. That was Valens' tell. 

Lilly fumbled with the key to her drawer for a moment and then, two failed efforts later, she sunk into her chair and finally got the drawer open on the third. Just as Lilly's hand was wrapping around her own car keys, Kat put her hand over the top of Lilly's and stopped her. 

"There's no way I'm letting you drive home", Kat said when Lilly looked up and raised an eyebrow. 

"Do you want me to bed down in the interrogation room instead?", Lilly asked, and Kat was relieved to see the same spark that made Lilly who she was, was still there beneath the exhaustion and the pain. 

"Come on", Kat tugged Lilly to her feet by her hand. Lilly moved willingly enough so it was more for show than anything. 

Kat took the keys from Lilly's hand, shut the drawer and locked it. She was stood close enough to tuck all of the keys into Lilly's trouser pocket; then she checked over her shoulder to make sure no-one else had seen what she had done. A lapse of judgment for a moment. She put it down to her own tiredness. 

"Like you're fit to drive", Lilly commented. Kat pulled her hand away, conscious that she had still been holding Lilly's. Was she imagining the look of disappointment when Lilly glanced down at the movement? 

"We're getting the subway", Kat grabbed her coat from her chair and pulled it on, "you know, good old fashioned public transport". 

"Is that so?", Lilly followed obediently out of the squad room even as she made tired side-comments. 

"And then we're going to get some sleep at my place. Veronica's at my parents. Then we're going to eat an actual meal", Kat kept talking, though she paused as they passed a group of detectives from another team, "Don't think I haven't noticed that you've not eaten anything decent for days on these cases". 

"Yes ma'am", Lilly's smile came through in her words but her teasing made Kat's cheeks get warm and she second guessed herself. 

"If you want to, that is", Kat said as they stepped outside. She turned around to face Lilly. 

"I can just see you home", Kat offered, but Lilly shook her head and took a step closer. Kat breathed in sharply as the other woman invaded the edge of her personal space. 

"It's fine, Miller", Lilly said and Kat rolled her eyes as Lilly used her surname, she knew it wound Kat up when she did that, "I wouldn't agree if I didn't want to".

"I didn't actually give you a chance to say yes or no", Kat said, shrugging awkwardly at her own realisation. 

"Alright, then yes. All of that sounds perfect", Lilly said and Kat wished, not for the first time, that she could read the parts that Lilly _wasn't_ saying _._

"Good. Then it's settled", Kat brushed off the comment before she could go overthinking it. She turned to continue walking and was relieved when Lilly followed her without comment. 


	5. Walls

While the others talked and ate and drank, Kat watched Lilly. Buried in paperwork, Lilly had smiled politely but turned down the celebration, earning herself an eye roll from Saccardo and some hushed explanations from Valens and the others. 

None of them got it quite right. They didn't know, still after all this time, how difficult Lilly found changes in the team dynamics. How the intrusion of an unknown person made her defenses go up. How Saccardo's very manner was part of the reason the walls that Lilly wrapped herself up in had appeared. 

So when there was a call from downstairs and Lilly said she would go and see to it, Kat hurried after her. The elevator doors nearly shut on her as she darted through at the last second. 

"Chasing me through corridors now?", Lilly asked and if she had the mindset to still make jokes, Kat figured that perhaps it wasn't all so bad.

"They still don't get it, you know", Kat leant against the side of the elevator, "they think you're just aloof, maybe a bit jealous. They don't know why it scares you so much".

Lilly made a non-committal noise and kept her attention forward. Something about Lilly putting up the walls with even her frustrated Kat and she reached out and gently turned Lilly with a pull on her elbow. 

"Don't you do that. Not with me", Kat said firmly and Lilly at least looked contrite. 

"Sorry. Habit", Lilly shrugged and she glanced down at Kat's hand and raised an eyebrow. 

Maybe it was the alcohol that made Kat bold or maybe it was because she wanted to surprise Lilly. Either way, Kat let go of Lilly's elbow and dropped her hand to the material of Lilly's jacket and tugged her towards her. 

"How about when we go back upstairs, you come and try to be nice", Kat said, "because it's a shame you don't let people see the best parts of you". 

Kat's voice went weak as Lilly once more invaded her personal space. She swallowed the lump in her throat. She was all of a sudden more aware of the fabric between her fingertips and she toyed with the material. 

There was a rush of cool air as the doors to the elevator opened and Lilly stepped back and away from her. Lilly strode out of the elevator as if nothing had happened, leaving Kat stood staring at the spot she had just been standing.

They didn't mention the moment when Lilly finished up at the front desk but since Lilly only took a few minutes to come back and she did sit with the rest of the team for a good ten minutes (not that she ate anything or really said much), Kat counted it as a win. 


	6. Understanding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After Season 5, Episode 17, "Slipping"

Kat didn't bother with the games and hesitancy, the teasing and the ways they kept their distance from what was happening. She stepped behind Lilly, the blonde detective was buried in paperwork from the Nancy Patterson case, and wrapped her arms around her. 

"Hell of a thing, this case", Kat said softly, tightening her embrace. Lilly put her pen down and relaxed back in her chair and the hug. 

"Yeah… hell of a thing", Lilly said quietly. She lifted one hand and squeezed one of Kat's hands in hers. 

"Doing that to a person takes some kind of monster, you know?", Kat said as she saw the transcription from Daniel Patterson's interview on the top of the file. After her initial bout of courage, she was sharply aware of how out-of-character it was for her to hug Lilly like that. And how it was even more out-of-character for Lilly to accept it. Kat stepped back and watched for any indication that Lilly was disappointed.  


As usual, the blonde detective gave nothing away and adjusted to Kat's absence as if the hug had never happened in the first place. Kat felt a dull ache drop into her stomach and she turned to pull one of the chairs over so she could sit down, hiding her face from any scrutiny as she did.

"Scotty said that it was like Daniel saw her as another belonging. His to manipulate and destroy as he saw fit", Lilly said, tapping her pen against the report, "She was his project, the poor woman out of wedlock that he saved..."  


Kat wanted to say something, anything to take that sad look from Lilly's face and banish it to somewhere else, but she kept quiet. It wasn't right to pretend that their job wasn't heart-breaking at times. Lilly especially seemed to feel things from the past deeply in the now, even if she were better than most of them at keeping the extent of that feeling tucked away inside her own mind.

Lilly sighed and wrote one final thing at the bottom of the report and signed her name, "I'll take this down to the basement".

"I'll take it", Valen's voice interrupted them and Kat looked over sharply. She searched his face for any indication that he had seen their earlier moment but the man gave nothing away either. Working with detectives was deeply frustrating sometimes.

"Thanks Scotty", Lilly didn't protest and just held out the report to her partner. A look passed between them that Kat would have loved to have understood but before she could unpick any part of it, Valens nodded with a small smile and tucked the report under his arm.

"Get her to go home would you Miller?", he called over his shoulder as he headed towards the elevator.

"What makes you think I've got that sort of power?", Kat called, hoping her cheeks weren't as red as they were warm. Valens just waved over his shoulder.

Oh, he so knew...


	7. What if...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 5, Episode 18, "Ghost of my Child" just after the opening and just after the ending.

"You got that look on your face", Kat said when Lilly caught her up at the front door. 

"What look?", Lilly pulled her coat tighter around herself as she stepped outside. 

"That one that says she got to you and you're going to take a look", Kat's hands went to pat her pockets and then she folded her arms. Lilly smiled. Kat was giving up smoking again but all the old habits were still there. 

"That so? Didn't know I had a _look_ ", Lilly said. 

"I thought we all decided it was a waste of time?", Kat asked. The rest of the comment went unspoken. Lilly had turned down other cold jobs, with more sympathetic requesters, with more to look into. Lilly thought about making an excuse but she couldn't bring herself to lie to Kat. 

"She mentioned a birthmark. In a specific place", Lilly said, she put her hands in her own pockets and felt a packet of gum in there. She smiled. Kat's coping strategy for not smoking. She held the packet out to Kat who took it. 

"Thanks, a birthmark? Well that's something…", Kat agreed, "But they found that kid dead in her apartment". 

"Stranger things have happened…", Lilly said. They reached Lilly's car and she unlocked the passenger side and opened the door for Kat. Kat raised her eyebrow at what she had done and Lilly felt her cheeks get hot; she didn't know what had prompted her to do that and she swallowed the lump of embarrassment in her throat. 

Lilly shut the door softly after Kat got in and walked around to the driver's side. She took a moment to look around and compose herself before opening the car door. 

"Alright, well I'll call ahead and get them to pull the case files", Kat said, taking her mobile out. Lilly was relieved when she didn't tease her any further. 

-

"I hear Saccardo might be growing on you", Kat said when she found Lilly on one of the chairs in the flower mart. The blonde woman startled at her voice, she had clearly been lost in her thoughts. 

"That's an optimistic interpretation", Lilly said with a tired smile. Kat sat down in the chair beside her. Valens had been the one to comment on the softening in animosity from Lilly towards Saccardo and, much as she wanted to pretend it wasn't there, it had caused a dull ache in her stomach. Which had worsened when Vera had commented on how Saccardo was similar to Lilly's ex-husband in more than a few ways. 

"So you're not about to roll out the welcome mat?", Kat asked, she tried not to sound too hopeful. 

Lilly laughed and shook her head, "No. I'll admit I didn't give him the benefit of the doubt and that's all". 

Kat wanted to ask if there was any chance of it becoming more than that. Any chance of Saccardo's particular brand of charm worming it's way past Lilly's defenses. Any chance of her spending nights at his place, replacing the nights she spent over at Kat's. Except saying any of that would mean they would have to talk about whether there was a damn thing there between them or if Kat was painting whole pictures where only friendly snippets existed. 

"This one was tough on you, how you holding up?", Kat asked instead. 

"It’s complicated”, Lilly replied and Kat’s exaggerated sigh of frustration brought a grin to her face.

“Makes you think about a whole load of what-ifs?”, Kat asked gently and she knew she’d struck a chord when Lilly looked away for just long enough for it to be forming a careful reply.

“What ifs don’t change what really happened”, Lilly said eventually.

“But it’s only human for the what-ifs to happen all the same”, Kat said. A semi-comfortable silence descended on them and Lilly disappeared back into her thoughts for a minute, maybe two. Kat wasn’t sure, she was so focused on not making this wrong somehow.

“Do you have any?”, Lilly asked suddenly and Kat must have looked confused because she expanded, “Any what-ifs I mean?”

“I think we all do”, Kat said, “What if I’d said that, what if I’d taken that chance...just not all of us have what-ifs as big as what you’re thinking about”.

“Anything you can change now?”, Lilly asked.

Kat’s words stuck in her throat and she fumbled for something to say that wouldn’t inadvertently reveal more than she wanted. Thankfully, Lilly wasn’t finished,

“I don’t know if it’s easier or not, when the what-ifs were out of our control”, Lilly sighed and she got up, clearly she wasn’t expecting a reply from Kat. Which was just as well, because Kat had no idea what she would have said given a few seconds longer.


	8. Distraction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 1, "Glory Days"

Kat put the sixth box from the DMV down with a groan and stood up to ease the stiffness from her back and shoulders. 

"Vera left you to do the heavy lifting?", Lilly asked, stopping on her way to her desk. She still had her coat on and Kat narrowed her eyes as she tried to work out whether it was looser than usual on Lilly's small frame.  


"For once, no", Kat said, stretching out her arms with a grimace, "he's gone to follow up on something, only been gone a few minutes. It just feels like I've been sat in the same position for days". 

"Here, let me help", Lilly put down the files in her hand and gestured for Kat to turn around.  Lilly's hands were warm on her shoulders through Kat's t-shirt and Kat stifled a sigh as Lilly gently massaged the stiff muscles. 

"I look that bad huh?", Kat asked, "cracked the hard outer shell of Lilly Rush".  


"You never look bad Miller", Lilly teased and Kat swatted at her with one hand. 

"Why'd you come in here anyway,  _ Rush _ ?", Kat asked. Lilly's hands worked at her muscles for a few seconds before Lilly spoke. 

"I forgot actually", she admitted, "any luck?" 

"Unless Vera's long shot comes back with some good news, no", Kat groaned, "God bless the digital age, just a shame the DMV haven't got round to full digitalisation". 

Lilly pulled her hands back and Kat missed their warmth immediately. She was about to protest when the sound of Vera's heavy footsteps silenced her and she realised Lilly must have stopped when she heard the lift.

"Here to give us a hand?", Vera asked, his eyes almost lighting up at the idea and Kat stifled a laugh. Lilly looked at her watch with a grimace and then shrugged her coat off.

"I can give you twenty minutes".


	9. What you were meant for

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set just after the end of Season 6, Episode 2, "True Calling"

Lilly pulled her coat on and looked around the room, 

"Anyone seen Kat?", she asked. She swore that when she last looked around the other woman had been at her desk. 

"She went downstairs to the cold jobs, something about needing to check something", Vera called, halfway out the door in his suit and brandishing a pair of tickets. Lilly grinned, the things they did for these cases. Though Lilly privately thought that Vera was going to enjoy himself more than he was letting on; she remembered him during the Dennis Hofferman case, always singing those damn songs. 

"Been spending quite a bit of time down there recently, muscling in on your territory ain't she Rush?", one of the officers dropping a report off called and Lilly pointedly ignored him. She saw Scotty start to speak and she shook her head. He grimaced but nodded and waved goodnight, Lilly headed downstairs to find Kat. 

Kat was in one of the stacks, staring up at the rows and rows of boxes. 

"It ever get you down?", Kat asked as Lilly reached her side, "thinking about how they just keep coming. How cases just keep going cold?" 

"Sometimes", Lilly admitted. During the first year she'd worked on the cold cases, she had done a walk through of the room to see just how many cold cases there were. To say she was disheartened to see the boxes that had arrived  _ just _ since she had started working the cold ones, would be an understatement. Every week more arrived. 

Lilly didn't know when it had happened but she knew she wasn't like the others on the team. They all still had open, current cases that they worked out between the particular cold ones that Stillman authorised the whole team to work on. Lilly couldn't remember the last time she had worked an open case. She knew better than anyone just how many cold cases there were, forgotten in a single cardboard box until she brushed off the dust.

"We can't ever close them all. Some families will never get answers. Then the victims and their stories will just be forgotten", Kat's voice was tinged in pain and Lilly brushed the back of her fingers against Kat's arm. 

"What's wrong?"

"You even wonder if this was really what you were meant for? All this pain and death and...", Kat trailed off and let out a shaky breath.

"I always felt like this was exactly what I was meant for", Lilly admitted, and she wished she could pull the words back as soon as she said them. She'd never admitted it to anyone for fear they would laugh and make some kind of comment about how Lilly Rush had found her calling in piles of dust and memories. Kat looked across at her and Lilly pointedly looked around at the boxes, not really reading the fronts of them, just avoiding meeting Kat's gaze.

"It's not just pain and death though", Lilly said, shoving her hands into the pockets of her coat and turning to walk back towards the door, Kat fell into step beside her, "it's answers and understanding and a chance to say goodbye. That's the part I feel like I was meant for".

Kat reciprocated the gesture from earlier and brushed the backs of her fingers against Lilly's arm,

"Well, when you put it like that..."


	10. Just Listen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 3, "Wednesday's Women"

Lilly wanted to call Kat. Wanted to ask about Mississippi. She wasn't sure if she should. Was it her place? She probably wasn't equipped at all to talk about the feelings this case brought up for Kat but she could listen. If that was what Kat wanted. 

She had opened her mobile three times already and scrolled to Kat's name, hovered her thumb over the call button and frozen. It was getting late, if she called now it might wake Veronica. It might wake Kat. Lilly justified it to herself over and over each time she closed the phone and paced her apartment.

When it rang in her hand, Lilly nearly threw it in a start. She glanced at the screen as she flipped the phone open and smiled.

"I was just debating whether to call you or not", she greeted.

"I just finished putting Veronica to bed, wanted to spend a little extra time with her this evening, you know?", Kat said.

Lilly ran her tongue between her lips, wondering if she should ask about Kat's day and then she tried a different approach,

"There anything I can do?"

She heard Kat sigh and then the sound of a body landing on cushions; it seemed Kat was looking for another evening of distraction until she fell asleep on the sofa.

"Just...I dunno. Not really, I just wanted to talk about something _not_ work", Kat said.

Lilly didn't manage to stifle the peculiar half-laugh at the thought of someone calling her for that reason and _that_ made Kat laugh.

"Yeah, yeah. Well you do have other things to say", Kat said, "So come on, exercise those social skills, Detective Rush".

It was nearly an hour later when Lilly finally said goodnight to Kat and hung up. 


	11. Pretending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 4, "Roller Girl", Lilly replacing Scotty in the scene where Kat runs out on her date.

Stillman held the phone against his chest, "It's Miller", he hesitated, "But she's pretending to be someone else. She sounds drunk". 

"Miller, you sure?", Valens asked, "She's meant to be on a date". 

Lilly wasn't altogether pleased at the dull ache in her stomach at Valens' words. She knew it was jealousy - deep down that is - but she wasn't quite ready to examine it in too much detail. That was the thing with detectives, they liked to act extraordinarily clueless when it came to self examination. She pushed it away as Stillman spoke, 

"She's asking for you, Lil", and he held the phone out to Lilly. 

-

"Get in, _Lush_ ", Lilly said as she stepped out of the car and opened the passenger side door. Kat was clearly sober enough to glare at her and she did as she got in the car. Lilly shook her head with a smile, had Kat really thought she'd be able to fake her way through a phone call with Stillman without being found out, and what an awful name for a fake C.I. Lilly shut the passenger door gently and went back around and got in on the driver's side. 

"So, did you let your date know you were leaving or did you climb out the bathroom window?", Lilly asked as she started the car. 

"It wasn't out the window", Kat muttered, "Couldn't see the door from the table".

"That's cold", Lilly said as she pulled out back into the road, "what was wrong with him?" 

"Nothing", Kat groaned, sinking lower in her chair, "he was charming and funny and polite, and bought a really nice bottle of wine that I drank too much of". 

"So what happened?", Lilly asked, she was pleased with how steady her voice sounded. No trace of jealousy or relief or any of those other emotions Lilly wasn't all that fond of examining.

"I just shouldn't have been there's all", Kat sighed and Lilly decided not to push it any further. She turned the radio on low and they drove to the soft tones of whatever radio station Valens had tuned it to last time they had taken Lilly's car.

"Home Sweet Home", Lilly said as she pulled up outside. 

"Can you come in for a bit?", Kat asked, looking over with that expression that Lilly found so difficult to refuse, "Veronica's at my mum's place. House'll be too quiet". 

"Sure, I can do that", Lilly said. Her mouth had a way of running off and betraying her when it came to Kat. 

She felt unsure for the first time as she stood in Kat's front room. Usually she would sit down on the sofa but her arms and legs buzzed with the need to move and fidget and she couldn't quite put an explanation for it. 

"Hey, I got you some…", Kat hesitated in the doorway, coffee in one hand and a glass of water for Lilly, "you alright?" 

"Fine", Lilly knew she had answered too quickly and she forced herself to smile as she accepted the glass, "thanks". 

"Never lie to a detective, Lil", Kat gestured her coffee cup towards Lilly as she sat down on the sofa, "now spill, and sit down would you? Making me nervous standing in the middle of the room like that". 

Lilly could help herself, she laughed and sat down beside Kat, "Sorry. It's nothing, just tired"

Kat took a long drink of her coffee and then set it down on the table. 

"Want to know why I really ran off tonight?", Kat asked. Lilly sipped her her drink, nodding slightly and leaving silence for Kat to fill. 

"I was sat there, opposite this guy who would be a great catch for anyone", Kat said. Lilly squirmed and hid her expression behind her glass, taking another drink. 

"And all the time I was trying to understand why I just wasn't all that interested", Kat continued,"Got to be some reason right? Well, I realised that some of the things I thought I should be thinking and feeling with him, I was already thinking and feeling somewhere else".

Lilly put her glass down and swallowed the lump in her throat, waiting for the next line that would give her some clue of which way she should...could take this conversation. She could practically feel Kat's eyes on her, no doubt searching her for any unspoken clues.

She could have quite happily thrown her phone against the wall of Kat's apartment when the ringtone she used for Stillman went off. She thought about ignoring it but a quick glance at Kat told her that it wouldn't matter if she did, the piercing sound had broken the moment and pushed whatever Kat might have been about to say out of reach.

"You better get it", Kat said, her face a peculiar mix of disappointment and relief. Lilly nodded and flipped her phone open,

"Hi boss"


	12. Us

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set at the end of Season 6, Episode 5, "Shore Leave" 

"They had their one day", Lilly said as she pushed the lid down on Tulley's cold case box and put it up on the shelf. 

"They had no idea that was all they were getting though", Kat said.

Kat had been unusually quiet all day and Lilly found herself on the edge of asking multiple times, then deciding to back off, not wanting to intrude. There had been an unspoken edge of tension between them since the night Lilly had picked Kat up after she ran out on her date. Lilly had overheard some of the teasing the others gave her when she was next in work. She also overheard the questions about whether Kat was going to see him again.

Apparently, after a particularly grilling phone call from her mother, Kat had gone out with the guy one more time - for coffee - then called it off. Lilly hadn't actually asked Kat about any of that though because doing that would pave the way for more difficult conversations. Far better to just keep it work-related and catch snippets of more personal matters from afar. 

_'Work's what you do best, right? Can't let anyone get too close',_ Lilly pushed the thought away. Just as she had done with Kite and with Joseph.

"Do you think they would have done anything differently if they'd known?", Kat asked and Lilly reached out to push down the lid on another box to buy herself a second to remember what they had been discussing before she got distracted by her own thoughts.

"Thought we'd decided that thinking on what ifs was a bad road to go down?", Lilly said, "Even if it's hypothetical and not about us".

The interpretation of what she had just said didn't sink in until Kat didn't reply. She must have heard it too. Must be wondering whether to address it.

 _'There is no_ _us_ ', Lilly chastised herself mentally, but she wasn't prepared for the sinking feeling in her stomach. There might have been if Kat had been able to finish that sentence the other night. Or maybe Lilly would have left feeling all the more torn up because Kat wasn't talking about her at all, but someone else.

"The guys are waiting for us, come on", Lilly forced a smile back on her face and gestured for Kat to follow her.

She tried really hard to ignore the fact that with each step she took, it was like she was running away. 


	13. Late Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 6, "The Dealer" 

"I don't know how I'm supposed to go home and put a smile on my face and tell Veronica that she can do anything or be anyone she wants after a case like this one", Kat admitted, "nothing's changed has it? Swap car dealership with homicide division and I bet your early years weren't so different. I know mine weren't any better" 

"It did strike a few familiar chords", Lilly conceded as she paid for her drink. Kat had noticed that once again, Lilly had forgone alcohol. It had to be something to do with her mother, though Kat couldn't quite place what. It wasn't as though Lilly didn't drink or had difficulties being around alcohol, and it wasn't as though it were all of the time. Just enough to be noticeable.

"All this so-called change and the world still isn't going to let a Black girl become who she wants to be without kicking her every step of the way", Kat wondered if perhaps she should have stopped at just one drink. Not that anything she was saying were untrue, just that she could feel the bitterness on her tongue and she didn't want to take that home with her tonight. She'd finish this one and go. 

Lilly didn't say anything, just put her hand on Kat's wrist for a second and then gave her space. The silence was almost comfortable. Almost.

Lilly finished her drink first but it was only when she nudged Kat's hand with hers that Kat realised she was done. 

"You off? I'll walk out with you", Kat pushed her drink away and grabbed her coat from the back of the chair.

Kat willed Lilly to offer to walk her home or to stay the night or something. All those small steps they had made towards whatever the something was between them had been undone.

They reached the entrance to the subway and Kat hesitated before they parted ways. 

"Call me... When you get in, would you?", Kat said, feeling like she was a damn teenager again as she said it. Lilly glanced over at her, her expression unreadable. Then she nodded with the smallest of smiles.

"Been one of those sort of days", she agreed.

Kat said her goodbyes and hurried down into the subway. It wasn't too busy at this time of evening and she got a seat all the way home. The sitter was almost at the door by the time she got it open and barely said goodnight before accepting the money and hurrying out.

"Hey, you didn't have to wait up", Kat said as Veronica peered out of her bedroom.

"I just wanted to", Veronica said, her voice thick with sleep.

"Come on then", Kat said, wrapping her arms around her daughter and hugging her tightly, "Let's get you back to bed".

Just as Kat sat on the bed with Veronica, her phone rang and she tensed before realising it was Lilly's ringtone. 

"Hey Lil", Kat greeted.

"Home safe and sound", Lilly said, and Kat could hear the sound of one of Lilly's cats miaowing in the background. Obviously now the human was home, it was dinner-time.

"Good", Kat said, feeling a little silly now for asking her to call.

"How's Veronica?", Lilly asked. Kat glanced down at her daughter, already falling asleep.

"Stayed up to see me", Kat said softly, "now half asleep".

There was a long silence where Kat wondered if Lilly was trying to think of a way to keep the conversation going and then the other woman said,

"See you tomorrow Kat".

"Yeah, you too Lil"


	14. Crackpot

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 7, "One Small Step"

"I gotta go ask Collins something, you up for a drive?", Lilly asked, stopping by Kat's desk. 

" _Please_ ", Kat grabbed her jacket before Lilly finished talking, "I haven't even been able to get coffee yet today. And before you suggest it, that much that hasn't been cleaned from the machine for days is not coffee. Don't think I haven't noticed that you're not drinking it".

"I haven't used it for weeks. Got fed up of us being the only people cleaning it", Lilly said, "We'll swing by the coffee place on the corner".

Lilly didn't talk much on the way to the car, or on the way to the coffee place. Kat had learnt that she just got like this sometimes; stuck in her head on a puzzle or a worry that no-one else could see. You'd never know it to look at her at a glance but spend a stretch more than a moment looking and you could see it.

"Do you think he's chasing ghosts?", Lilly asked as they walked back to the car, coffees in hand.

"Collins? We're finding evidence to back him up aren't we?", Kat asked as they got in the car and Lilly put her coffee in the holder. Lilly made a point of needing to concentrate as she backed out of the space and pulled out into the road, it was all an act to buy herself time to say something that had hurt her.

"Everyone called him Crackpot Collins as if that was his name", Lilly said eventually, once they were back in the flow of traffic, "Not just then, but now as well. You know, the guys..."

"You're wondering what people say behind your back?", Kat asked gently, not letting Lilly dance around her worry this time.

"I know most of what people say behind my back", Lilly said with a wry smile, "It's more that I'd hoped Stillman, Valens and the others might have thought differently by now and _that_ makes me wonder" 

"You've got nothing to prove to any of them", Kat said firmly, "never have".

Lilly bobbed her head in a show of acknowledgement but Kat already knew it wouldn't have brushed the thoughts aside and she decided that this was one of those times where Lilly just wanted to sort it out herself in her head. So she let Lilly drive in silence while she reviewed the notes in her notepad. It wasn't uncomfortable. Silences between them rarely were. They weren't entirely comfortable either, of course. How could they be when there were ghosts of unspoken thoughts that they could almost hear drifting between them. But they could handle the silence and the edge it brought.

"I worried a few times in the beginning, you know", Lilly said as they pulled into Collins' road, "that maybe I _was_ losing it. Maybe I had gotten so caught up in the cold jobs that I'd lost perspective".

"And how many cases you gonna close before you realise that your mind is just being a pain in the ass?", Kat asked and she grinned as Lilly chuckled.

"Come on, let's go talk to Collins".


	15. Trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 8, "Triple Threat"

Kat watched as Lilly raced out of the door, a secret on her shoulders like none Kat had seen before. A few months ago, Kat wouldn’t have seen it. She’d have been just as oblivious as Valens, Vera and Jeffries. The fact that Lilly hadn’t trusted her enough with any of whatever was weighing on her, made Kat wish she were still that oblivious.

Valens had made an off-hand comment the other day, about Lilly looking into something and not wanting to talk about it and as much as Kat had wanted to dig a bit deeper and ask Valens if he knew what was going on in his partner's head, Kat had kept her questions to herself. 

Better not to dig and let Lilly tell her when she was ready. _If_ she was ever ready.

"Hey, you comin?", Valens asked and Kat realised she had been staring into space.

"Uh, yeah sure, just give me a minute", Kat tidied up her paperwork and shut the computer down, waving in agreement when Valens said he'd meet her downstairs.

As Kat slung her coat on and walked towards the elevators, she passed Lilly's desk and for a moment wondered if the answer to Lilly's behaviour might be contained in one of the drawers or within the stacks of files. It made her stop for just a moment before she dismissed the thought, embarrassed that it had even passed through her mind. She quickened her walk to the elevator and forced a smile onto her face when she caught up with Valens and the others downstairs.

"Lil meeting us there?", Kat asked casually, though she damn well knew the answer would be no.

"Nah, she's got a thing. You know, personal", Valens shrugged and he did it in that way that was half bluffing that he knew what was going on. The same way he offered an alibi whenever he thought Lilly needed one. Kat really hoped it wasn't an alibi Lilly needed tonight.

"Yeah, well, maybe we'll drag her along next time".


	16. Exercise Books

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 9, “Pin-Up Girl”

“You have anyone's photo stuck inside your maths book, Lil?”, Kat grinned as the doors to the elevator shut. Lilly gave her a quick side-eye and then returned her attention to the doors.

“No”

“Answered too quickly, rookie mistake”, Kat teased, “Come on, detective, you’re usually better than that. Who was he?”

The elevator stopped at the ground floor,

“Who says it was a he?”, Lilly asked and before Kat could shut her mouth from gaping at the statement, Lilly had stepped out the elevator past the people waiting to get on.

“Think I’ll take the stairs up, get a bit of exercise, you know”, Lilly called and Kat chuckled to herself as the doors shut.

By the time Lilly strolled up to Kat's desk and asked for the file, Stillman and Valens were there going over some of the notes. Kat caught Lilly's eye and raised an eyebrow, smile widening when she managed to make a slight blush appear on Lilly's cheeks. Lilly cleared her throat and took the file from Kat's hand with a quick "thanks".

"You alright, Lil?", Valens asked distractedly, flicking through the papers in his hands.

"Just fine", Lilly said and Kat returned to her own work with a grin.

Like hell was she going to let _this one_ go.


	17. Protesting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 10, “Street Money”

“Miller’s been complaining just a bit too much about that new ADA”, Scotty said as he sat down beside Lilly at the desk.

“That so?”, Lilly was impressed at how steady she kept her voice but the quick glance she allowed herself at Scotty, and the presence of his _‘I figured something out’_ smirk, nearly made her bristle.

It shouldn’t have been that important. Not with the eerie sensation that they had all stepped on some unseen political landmine that was going to set off a chain reaction for months to come.

Some of the team were already on the out with some of the big players in the department; Stillman for refusing to play political ball, Lilly for daring to be the first female homicide detective _and_ dragging up cases that some people would much prefer stay cold. The others had stood beside them and their decisions, no matter how tough it got.

It didn’t escape Lilly’s conscience that she might have got them all watching their backs now.

"Reckon there's something there?", Scotty asked and Lilly pushed away the darker thoughts.

"Why don't you ask her?", Lilly shrugged, she began to tidy up her desk to head out. The last thing she wanted to hear was whether Kat was moving on to someone else. 

Though, it wasn't moving on when there wasn't anything to move on from. Lily tried to push those thoughts away too but they were more persistent. There wasn't anything. 

Maybe some flirting. _Maybe._ That was all Lilly conceded to herself mentally. And not real flirting, at least, that was the other lie she told herself anyway. 

"Nah, just speculating, you know?", Scotty said, leaning back in his chair and grinning.

"Have fun with that", Lilly gave him a half hearted wave goodnight.

"You're no fun, Lil", Scotty called after her. 


	18. Not So Secret

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 11, “Wings”

Kat's phone buzzed on the bedside table. Kat grasped for it without looking, trying to finish the sentence she was reading. Finally getting hold of it, she checked the screen and then opened the text message from Lilly with a smile.

'You awake?'

Kat responded in the affirmative and set the phone down on the bed beside her. She made it through two more pages before she got another text. 

'I spoke to my dad today'

Kat blinked heavily to check she'd read the text correctly and then ran her thumbs over her phone as she tried to think of how to reply to that. Eventually she gave up and just called.

"Don't really do the whole small talk and build up to the big talking point do you?", Kat asked as a greeting.

Lilly's chuckle made Kat smile and she felt ridiculous for doing so into an empty room. 

"Gonna fill in the blanks for me?", Kat asked and she relaxed back against the headrest as Lilly did just that.

Kat concerns about Lilly keeping secrets from her melted away, this was a big deal for Lilly, finding her father, and she got why Lilly had needed to keep it to herself for a while. Kat was also going to try not to read too much into the fact she was the first person Lilly wanted to tell.

"You glad you did it?", Kat asked.

"I'm not sure yet. Ask me again in a few weeks", Lilly said, "Thanks for listening to me go on. I'll leave you to your bedtime reading".

"Night, Rush", Kat said.

"Goodnight Kat" 


	19. School Run

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 12, “Lotto Fever”

“Go on, how much money would convince you to quit your job?”, Kat asked, “or are you going to be one of those people who says they’d keep working even if they were a millionaire”.

Lilly laughed to herself and shook her head, “I don’t know. It’s not likely to happen so…”, she shrugged a little as she trailed off.

“But don’t you ever think, what if?”

Lilly went quiet and Kat remembered the last conversation they had about _what if._ As though that hadn't prompted the question to roll around inside her head for hours - alright, days - afterwards. What if one of them had been sure enough to address the unspoken wonderings about whether the was or wasn't something that needed talking about. Something about them and this.

Yet again, there was no time for either of them do address it because at that moment the school gates opened and children began to flood out.

"Come on, let's go get her", Lilly sure used that moment to shy away and put a distraction in place though and Kat let her. This time.

"Thanks for doing this, by the way", Kat said as they watched hundreds of school children hurry out of the school in batches. Normally Kat didn't need to run off at short notice to pick up Veronica, she was careful about making sure everything was planned so her daughter never had to get left waiting at school, wondering why she'd been forgotten.

Even careful planning only got you so far when emergencies happened and when the babysitter hand cancelled, Kat had been going back and forth over whether to disturb her parents before their date night when Lilly had swung the car around and said they would take a detour.

"We gotta work out what we do once we picked her up", Lilly smiled, "Still got a witness to interview".

"My neighbour could watch her, maybe", Kat spotted Veronica and waved.

"Or Vera"

"Not a chance", Kat said and turned towards her daughter, "hey sweetheart, change of plans"

Alongside a running commentary of Veronica's day, they got in the car and Kat and Lilly exchanged uncertain glances.

"Are you taking me to a crime scene?", Veronica asked, her eyes lighting up.

"No", Kat said immediately and then looked over at Lilly, "how long do you think the interview'll take?"

"Depends how much they have to say", Lilly replied and Kat rolled her eyes at the vague - if true - answer.

"Are we going to find someone who saw a murder?", Veronica cut in and Lilly tried to hide her smile, unsuccessfully, by making a shoulder check and changing lanes.

"I'm going to interview a witness while you and your mum stay in the car and you tell her everything you'd do if you won the lottery", Lilly said.

"But I'm too young to play the lottery", Veronica said, then added after a beat, "How much money do you win if you win the lottery?"

Kat raised her eyebrow at Lilly, who pretended she couldn't see. Before Kat could say anything, Veronica spoke up again,

"Did your victim win the lottery?"

"See what you've started?", Kat said to Lilly, only making the other woman smile even wider. 


	20. Crossfire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 13, “Breaking News”

“People are noticing, Lil”, Stillman perched on the edge of Lilly’s desk and for one, chilling moment, Lilly wasn’t sure what he was referring to.

Lilly took a few seconds to compose herself, disguising her panic by putting a few things away in her drawer and then turned her chair to face the Lieutenant.

Stillman looked around the room and then lowered his voice, “You know that you and I aren’t on many people’s Christmas card lists around here, right? We’re about to be on even fewer”.

Lilly could have laughed with relief when she realised Stillman was referring to their recent spate of butting heads with big players in the corporate and political worlds. Except that wasn’t a laughing matter either, even if it was slightly better than the whole department finding out about the slowly changing dynamics between her and Kat Miller.

“Should I be worried?”, Lilly asked carefully.

Stillman bobbed his head from side to side, “We both should be watching our backs”.

“What about the others?”, Lilly asked, “Are our decisions going to come down on them?”

Stillman looked around the room, across to where Vera was teasing Jeffries about something, and Scotty was pretending not to flirt with the woman from forensics, Frankie, and finally to where Kat was talking intently to someone on the phone. It had to be Veronica given the way her brow was furrowed in that adorable way when she was concerned and her hand was on her hip, automatically shifting into mum mode.

“I think they might go after them to get at us”, Stillman said honestly and that made Lilly’s stomach sink. She nodded as Stillman patted her on the shoulder and got back up to return to his office.

“Everything okay?”, Kat asked as she finished up her phone call and walked over to her own desk.

Lilly was all for taking down the big targets, cutting the power-players off at the knees and making sure that they knew they weren’t above the law, despite what leniencies they got from other departments, but for the first time she wanted to take her foot of the accelerator if it meant Kat wouldn’t be hit in the political cross-fire.

“Yeah, all good”, so she lied because if she told Kat that was what she was planning on doing then the other woman would have stepped on the gas for her.


	21. Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 14, “The Brush Man”

"I can't get my head round it", Kat said out of the blue as she and Lilly took the elevator down.

Lilly tried to recall the last words they had exchanged and whether Kat's statement was at all relevant to them but she drew a blank. It was something about first Thursdays and there was nothing confusing about that.

“Around what?”, Lilly asked.

"Glenn Drew seemed more ashamed, more disgusted by the fact that he was attracted to other men than by the fact he beat his wife and kid or that he killed a man", Kat said, putting her hands into her coat pocket, then taking them back out again and crossing her arms. Tension crackled over her like static.

"People have their own set of moral standards", Lilly offered, "Some more messed up than others"

"Do you think it would have been different", Kat started one sentence and then stopped and restarted to clarify, "Just...if he'd lived in a different time, where he could have been himself, would any of this have happened?"

Lilly thought about it for a moment, "I think if Glenn Drew could have been open about being gay, he would have beaten on his husband and the family he had with him instead of his wife and son. He was in a difficult situation but so were loads of men and women back then, and now, and they don't do what he did".

"Yeah, you're right. I don't know what I'm getting stuck thinking over it for", Kat sighed as the doors opened and they stepped out of the elevator, "Just being so damn ashamed of the wrong thing, you know?"

"You sure you're alright?", Lilly put her hand in the crook of Kat's elbow and stopped her walking, bringing them both to a stop in the middle of the foyer.

"Sure, just not having a good day I guess, things getting to me", Kat shrugged and looked past Lilly towards the door, trying to keep her expression clear.

"You're not a good liar", Lilly said, keeping just enough of a teasing edge to her voice that it made Kat crack a tiny smile.

"Some things I just don't feel like sharing", she said.

Lilly nodded and squeezed Kat's arm gently, "Anything I can do to make anything easier?"

Kat looked down at where Lilly's hand rested for a moment too long and then looked away with a small shake of her head,

"Nah, just some things I've got to work through".

"If you change your mind, call me?", Lilly offered, lowering her hand and missing the warmth immediately.

"Sure, night Lil", Kat's smiled wasn't quite genuine but the tint was of sadness, not deceit, and Lilly thought about calling after the other detective as she walked past Lilly to the door, hunched her shoulders against the cold and disappeared out into the night but something stilled her words.

After that, Lilly didn't expect Kat to call, but she kept her phone nearby all night just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for delays in updates to all my chaptered fics, I have broken fingers and this is slowing my working. Thank you for continuing to read during these slower updates.


	22. Voicemails

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 15, “Witness Protection”, some of the script taken from canon.

“Hey, Curtis Bell?”

“Yup, who’re you?”, the new ADA didn’t even bother to look up from where he was tidying up the tie around the man's neck. Lilly gave the guy a once over, gang member, suited and booted, ready for his day in court.

“Detective Rush, you’ve been ducking me and I-”

“He look church-ready to you?”, Curtis Bell interrupted her and Lilly took a moment to cool her temper before looking the guy up and down.

“Squeaky clean”, she said, and it was true. Even with the gang tattoos running up his neck, the man wouldn’t have looked too out of place in a church. A liberal church.

When she eventually got to the point of her chasing down the disorganised ADA, the interaction was thoroughly irritating. So much so that Lilly found herself wondering who had brought the bumbling, out of touch, ADA on board. Lilly knew she was hardly the most tech-savvy adult - Veronica was _very_ keen to remind both her and Kat of their shortcomings with technology - but Curtis Bell was a different level of technophone.

Who didn't use answering machine in this day and age? 

Lilly had to admit, at least to herself, that she had perhaps been harsher with Bell than usual because of all the rumours about him and Kat that were starting to emerge. But she would be damned if she was going to blame all of the frustration she left with on her own bias.

"He's hopeless", Lilly muttered when Vera raised an eyebrow at her, she wondered how long he'd been stood there.

"Miller had to show him how to use the coffee machine the other day", Vera said and Lilly barely stopped herself snapping at him too.

Satisfying her irritation with a non-committal noise, Lilly accepted the teasing about waking up on the wrong side of the bed and made her way to her desk.

"Damn, rough night?", Kat asked, spinning her chair around to face Lilly.

"Something like that", Lilly massaged her temples, as much to avoid eye contact as anything else. She always worried Kat would see more than the others.

"Bell winding you up?", Kat asked.

"Just a bad day", Lilly forced a smile on her face and pulled their open case file towards herself.

After a beat, Lilly looked up again. Kat had started reading something from the files, her brow furrowed in concentration, and Lilly let herself watch for just a second or two. Long enough to feign that she was contemplating whether to interrupt or not.

"Does Bell really not listen to voicemail?", Lilly asked.

"Hell if I know", Kat shrugged, "I don't call him".

Lilly settled back down to finish reading the file, satisfied, if a little guilty, with Kat's response. 


	23. Series of decisions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 16, “Jackals”

“Doesn't seem real does it?”, Kat asked, cradling her bottle of beer in a tilt against the bar top, "That someone made a series of decisions that ended like _that._ And it wasn't her fault what happened, just thinking how many times a decision was made and...could have gone the other way". 

"Makes you wonder about some of the decisions we make, right?", Lilly asked, on the orange juice as the designated driver. She didn't mind, especially not since her mother had passed. 

"Well I wasn't before but now I am", Kat finished her drink and Lilly pretended she didn't know that Kat was lying. 

"Hey, we're about ready to head out if you are?", Vera's voice broke into their conversation and Lilly quickly finished her glass. 

Vera and Kat sniped at each other until Lilly dropped Vera and Will, who looked half inclined to leave Vera in the car when he kept arguing a point with Kat, off at Will's place. Kat immediately got out of the back and into the passenger seat. 

"Don't want you feeling completely like a taxi driver", Kat flashed a smile at Lilly and for a second, Lilly forgot what she was supposed to be doing. 

"Unless you prefer me in the back seat?", Kat offered. 

Lilly was sure her usually pale face had to be flushed red as her mind went off on it's own tangent with Kat's words. Lilly coughed to cover up her embarrassment and faced forward. 

"Of course not, just thinking was all", Lilly said and she pulled out to drive to Kat's place before Kat asked anymore questions. They talked about nothing too heavy as Lilly drove. The whole team had been like that all evening. Some cases just left a heaviness on them all that they needed time to deal with. 

"You want to come round on Friday?", Kat asked, "Veronica was complaining that we haven't had pizza day in a while".

Lilly was never sure if Kat mentioned Veronica wanting to see her to cover up the fact that Kat wanted her to come around. Lilly never challenged it though because she never came out and said that they should make it a standing date since she enjoyed it so much. So of everyone was using someone else's motives, what did it matter if they all ended up at pizza night anyway.

"Sure".


	24. His Voice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 17, “Officer Down”

Lilly could tell Jeffries was getting tired and knew the older detective would never ask her to leave him in peace so she said her goodbyes first, with a promise to be back the next day. On her way back to the elevator, she saw Kat half curled up on one of the uncomfortable hospital chairs and her stride faltered. She walked over.

“Hey. You eaten anything since you got here?”, Lilly stopped a metre or so from Kat.

“Hmm?”, Kat rubbed the sleep from her eyes and winced as she sat upright, "Nah"

“Or gotten any fresh air?”, Lilly asked. Kat shook her head and stifled a yawn.

“It just didn’t seem right, you know?”, Kat said, "I didn't want to be away in case...", she accepted the hand Lilly held out and let Lilly pull her to her feet.

“Walk me out?”, Lilly asked, "I'll get you a coffee from that all-night place over the road".

“Sure, beats hospital coffee. Though even that's better than ours”, Kat rolled her shoulders and then walked with Lilly to the elevators, “I've never been so glad to hear his voice you know”.

“Yeah, I know", Lilly pressed the button for the elevator.

Lilly had worked with Jeffries for years. Since she'd first moved to homicide. He'd always been this constant steady presence and to think of him so vulnerable made Lilly's chest hurt. To think that they'd nearly lost him... Well, she tried not to think too long on that.

"But he's okay", she said, stepping into the elevator and hoping that Kat missed the way her voice cracked on the final word.

The way Kat's fingers brushed against hers told her she hadn't. Lilly didn't pull her hand away until the elevator stopped two floors down and more people got on. Then she wished she hadn't because really, what did it matter what a group of strangers saw or presumed. The elevator filled up with each floor after that, one man shoved his way between Lilly and Kat, seemingly oblivious to their presence or what he was standing between. Though, he perhaps couldn't be blamed for the latter since Lilly still wasn't sure herself what it was. That was what she kept telling herself, anyway.

Everyone spilled off at the bottom floor and they let the other people off ahead of them.

"Busy all day here", Kat commented.

They walked in silence out to the coffee place and Kat waited to one side while Lilly ordered. Lilly watched Kat stifle a yawn out of the corner of her eye and wondered if there was any chance of her convincing the other detective to go home for a few hours. She paid for the coffee and accepted the two takeaway cups in return.

"Here", Lilly held it out to Kat who clasped it with both hands and took a sip.

"Where you heading now?", Kat asked.

"Jeffries mentioned that Francisco has a second girlfriend", Lilly caught the cocked eyebrow from Kat and grinned, "and no this first girlfriend didn't know about her. We're going to check her place, see if that's where Francisco is hiding out".

"Damn man is working even while he's on a hospital bed", Kat grumbled half-heartedly, "I bet you'd do the self-same thing".

Lilly just smiled and checked her watch, "I gotta go, I'll be back when I can".

"Hey", Kat caught Lilly's hand with hers as she turned to leave, "Just...watch yourself out there, yeah?"

"I'll be back later", Lilly repeated and squeezed Kat's hand one more time before heading back out onto the street.


	25. Cameo Appearance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set just after the finale scene in Season 6, Episode 18, “Mind Games”

Lilly pulled her coat tighter around her as she stepped outside into the cool. A light drizzle was starting and Lilly let the soft brush of water settle on her face as she stood for a few seconds and just breathed. She hadn't mentioned her plans to be here to the others; even though they were used to her and how she worked, they didn't always understand this part. She didn't always understand it either if she were honest.

With one final glance but at the place Pete Scanell would call home for however long he needed to, Lilly turned and walked towards where she had parked her car. Her phone started to ring once she was a few feet from the car and she sped up, the phone had an irritating habit of going on the fritz if any rain got on it and department budgets wouldn't spring for better phones.

Just as she got into the driver's seat and pulled the door shut, the phone stopped ringing. Lilly took it out anyway and it rang again in her hand,

"Hey boss", Lilly greeted.

"Builders working over in Holmesburg uncovered a partial skeleton", Stillman said by way of greeting and explanation in one, "Scotty and Vera are heading over there now, can you swing by and collect Miller and meet them there?"

"Sure, on my way", Lilly said and hung up. She glanced at her watch and grimaced, it was going to take longer than if she'd been at home.

By the time she pulled up outside Kat's place, the rain was getting worse and Lilly hoped whoever was on-scene with the body had the foresight to protect it from the elements. Kat must have seen her pull up because the door opened and the other detective raced down, yanked the passenger's door open and jumped inside.

"Traffic that bad huh?", Kat asked, still soaking even from the short distance between her apartment and the car.

"You know what bad weather does to this place", Lilly said vaguely as she pulled back out to rejoin traffic.

"I mean, you already had an extra ten minutes on your usual journey, suppose the rain was just bad luck", Kat said, "How was Scanell when you left him?"

"That obvious am I?", Lilly didn't expend the energy to avoid or lie, especially since there didn't seem to be any kind of judgment in Kat's voice.

"Only to anyone who knows you", Kat said.

"He was as well as can be expected", Lilly pulled to a stop for the light and glanced over at Kat.

"And now he's got other people to help him, he doesn't need whatever character you fulfilled anymore, you know that right?", Kat fixed her with a strange look, cautious but firm in a way. Lilly thought about arguing but she knew Kat was right. Even if she had the time - which she didn't - her role was over and she needed to fade away to a cameo appearance in Pete's recovery.

"I know, I just needed to...", Lilly pulled off again at the green light and let the sentence fade away into nothing.

"Yeah, I know", Kat said gently.

The silence for the rest of the drive was strangely comforting.


	26. Kind of Perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set after Season 6, Episode 19, “Libertyville”

Lilly perched awkwardly on the edge of the sofa and tried to think of something to say to Veronica. Talking to kids wasn’t one of Lilly’s strong points. The department psychologist had once suggested that it was a side-effect of being forced to grow up so quickly when she was a child; by rarely getting to have a childhood of her own, Lilly couldn't work out how to relate to children. Kat had agreed with that assessment when Lilly asked her opinion on it, then proceeded to point out that Veronica didn't need Lilly to be perfect at relating her, she just needed Lilly to try.

Which was much easier in theory than in practice.

Veronica smiled politely at her and drummed her fingers on her knees. Then Lilly remembered what was still in her bag from seeing her father the previous evening.

“Has anyone ever taught you how to play chess?”, she asked.

“No, it’s a grown-up game isn’t it?”, Veronica asked.

“My father taught me when I was little. He said it was good for teaching children problem-solving skills”, Lilly explained and she took the travel-sized chess set out of her back and placed it on the table, "I could teach you, if you'd like?"

Veronica looked genuinely pleased with that as she agreed and Lilly wondered whether it was true interest in the game or just overjoyed at breaking away from the uncomfortable silence and stilted conversation that they'd fumbled through in the ten minutes Kat had been gone.

After showing Veronica how to set up, Lilly talked Veronica through the rules and how she would teach Veronica through their first game.

"So really, you'll be trying to beat yourself by playing both sides", Veronica pointed out.

"Something like that", Lilly smiled, "Okay, I've taken my hand off the piece so my move is made. Take a look and tell me which of your pieces you could move..."

Veronica was a quick learner and Lilly found that she enjoyed passing on her knowledge to her, Lilly didn't get many opportunities to teach other people skills she had, not unless it was work-related, and she was surprised at how natural it was to her.

By the time Kat returned, the game was coming to a close. Lilly's father had never let her win when it wasn't deserved and Lilly wasn't sure how to broach that with Veronica without asking Kat so she had lined up an end game where, for a few moves at least, the game could be won by either side.

"Either side could win", Lilly explained to Veronica, "I want you to look at each side and tell me how you and I could win".

"Really it's you and you", Veronica pointed out but she eagerly examined the board from all angles just the same.

Kat sat on the arm of the sofa and put one arm around Lilly's shoulders to steady herself as she leant in and whispered, "That looks kind of perfect to me".

Then the warmth was gone as Kat stood up and said she would get them all some drinks from the kitchen. Even so, when Veronica talked Lilly through the way each of them could get to checkmate, with her eyes lit up and only a few prompts along the way, Lilly thought that Kat was right.

It was kind of perfect.


	27. Team Spirit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set at the end of Season 6, Episode 20, “Stealing Home”

“You really can’t throw or catch can you?”, Kat laughed as they stumbled off of the softball pitch, in good spirits.

“Nope”, Lilly grinned, "Can't say I didn't warn you all".

"I thought you were exaggerating to get out of playing", Vera groaned, "You're not going anywhere but reserve next time".

"How about team mascot?", Scotty grinned, "Get one of those cartoon animal suits".

"We still won didn't we?", Kat said, "Where's all your team spirit gone so quickly?"

"Rush knows we're just messing with her", Nick grinned, "Get changed, first rounds on me".

"And suddenly I do believe in miracles", Kat called over her shoulder as her and Lilly went into the women's changing room. Vera's response, probably a rude one, was muffled by the door closing.

The showers were lukewarm but functioning and Kat and Lilly made quick work of getting washed and changed. They stepped out of the changing room at the same time as Vera and these rest did out of the men's, warding off any potential sexist comments about how long they took. Kat watched Vera coolly, practically daring him to land himself in it with a comment but he just smirked.

Lilly had driven so Kat went with her and Stillman. Stillman insisted on her taking the front seat as he had a phone call to make. 

"That was more fun than I thought", Kat admitted as Lilly pulled out of the carpark and followed Vera, "Been a while since we all went out like this".

"Yeah, I'm glad Vera put my name down, even if I harmed the team batting average", Lilly smiled.

"Maybe sometimes other people have an inkling of what's good for you when you don't know what's good for yourself", Kat said, slumping down in the passenger's seat. She was exhausted. Unlike Lilly, she could play well and get competitive streak had meant she wasn't prepared to give an inch to the opposition.

"All of you act like I can't look after myself", Lilly said, frowning as Vera took an odd route up ahead of her. She followed him with a raised eyebrow in Kat's direction.

"You're fine at look after yourself, it's the having fun part we need to look after", Kat teased, patting Lilly gently on the leg and forgetting for a moment that Stillman was sat in the back of the car.

Lilly didn't forget though, and when Kat's hand rested on her thigh for longer than could be explained away as a casual gesture, Lilly glanced in the rearview mirror. Stillman had finished his call and was looking with steely concentration out of the window. Kat followed Lilly's eyeliner and slowly pulled her hand back.

"Where is Vera taking us?", Lilly asked after another moment of uncertain silence.

"I'll give Will a call", Stillman chuckled and as he dialled the number, Lilly breathed a gentle sigh of relief. The uncomfortable silence and unease had all been in her head. She risked a glance at Kat who's cheeks were slightly darker than usual; not everything had been in her head though.


	28. Trickshot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set at the end of Season 6, Episode 21, “November 22nd”

Stillman and Jeffries had left and headed home, Vera and Scotty were at the pool table trying to replicate Stillman's trick shot, and Lilly was just about wondering whether she should take herself home when Kat dropped down beside her on the sofa.

"I miss sofas in bars", Kat sounded tipsy and Lilly wondered if she should offer to walk Kat home, "Don't you?"

"Sometimes. At least until I start to think about what gets spilled on them and how often they're probably washed", Lilly replied.

"Ruin sofas for me, why don't you", Kat groaned.

"Only some", Lilly pointed out, "There are plenty of other perfectly good sofas out there".

Kat actually giggled at that, a light sound that made Lilly smile. Then, with a single smooth move of her arm, Kat put her arm around Lilly's shoulders. Lilly instinctively looked to see where Vera and Scotty were, not wanting them to walk over and start making unwanted commentary. 

"Want to tell me what's been on your mind all evening?", Kat asked.

Lilly would probably have stonewalled anyone else but she couldn't bring herself to do the same to Kat, and she was at least halfway sure it wasn't because Kat's arm felt so warm it was distracting or that Lilly couldn't concentrate with Kat as close as she was. Maybe a little less than halfway sure.

"I found out something about my father that...", Lilly didn't want to say that it had upset her because that would make it hurt even more, "He never mentioned to his new family that we exist. Christina and I, I mean. They still don't know".

Kat didn't say anything and Lilly found herself continuing just to fill the silence,

"I guess part of me wonders if he's ashamed of me, of us", Lilly put her drink down on the table, "I felt like he was ashamed, when I found out at least".

Kat leant in and gently touched her forehead to Lilly's head, "If he is ashamed, that is _his_ problem. There's no reason for him to be embarrassed about you".

"I used to wonder when I was little if maybe I'd been better then he wouldn't have left", Lilly admitted, "Maybe I was the reason he didn't stay. I know that's not true now but this just makes me feel like that all over again".

Kat put her drink down and pulled Lilly into a tight embrace, "Well then don't go down that track. None of this was ever your fault".

Lilly nodded, not trusting her voice to hold up if she spoke, "I know, you're right".

"Course I am, I'm always right", Kat said pulling away and giving Lilly some space, "Do you want to get out of here? You can stay at mine and go back to yours early tomorrow?"

"Thanks but I think I need to be by myself?", Lilly didn't add that perhaps staying at Kat's would make Lilly examine some other well guarded thoughts and feelings that she was trying to keep under wraps, "I'll walk with you then take a cab from yours?"

"Alright, let's go", and for just a moment, Lilly thought Kat looked a little disappointed and she wished she'd just said okay instead.


	29. No Crime in that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Set during Season 6, Episode 22, “The Long Blue Line”

Kat wondered if she should have seen Bell's offer of a date coming. There had been rumours, sure, but there were always rumours when a male colleague spent even a minute longer than necessary talking to either her or Lilly. Lilly had joked once - well, it was meant to be a joke but she sounded weary all the same - that according to the department, her and Valens had been carrying on a six year affair.

Still, Bell was stood there looking so sweet and hopeful and if it had been a year ago then maybe she would have said yes but now there was something different and even though Lilly hadn’t confirmed it, Kat couldn’t help but think that she wanted to wait a little longer.

“I can’t”, Kat said, tapping the top of her file with her palm, “I’m sorry”. 

Bell looked disappointed but he nodded and smiled, “Hope I wasn’t out of line asking and it won’t make you uncomfortable working with me, I wouldn’t...I mean…”

Kat smiled and shook her head, “We’re good”.

By the time Kat found Lilly, pouring over files from the Pennsylvania Military Institute, her lips moving silently as she read and her knuckles going pale from the clenching of her hand around the file.

"Found anything?", Kat announced her arrival with a gentle touch on Lilly's shoulder as she spoke. Lilly shook her head, her silent focus continuing.

Kat knew why this case would drive Lilly like this; there were so many parallels to her own entrance into the police force. Women may have entered the police academy in 1976 but that didn't mean they had been accepted, many still weren't even now, and it wasn't for a long time after that that they could become detectives. Lilly had faced similar mistreatment to Kate Butler and this case would weigh on her. Kat dreaded to think of what it would do if they didn't manage to solve it.

"Come for a walk with me, clear your head", Kat said, not asking so much as telling. Lilly, no doubt hearing the firmness in her voice, got up and followed her with only a single backwards glance to her desk.

The cool air seemed to help. Lilly took a deep breath and a little of the tension seeped out of her.

"Bell asked me out", Kat said, partly for something to say and partly to see how Lilly would react.

A flicker of something, jealousy perhaps, and Lilly said, "That so? What did you say?"

"That I couldn't", Kat answered honestly.

"Couldn't?", Lilly asked.

"Waiting to see if there's something more in what I'm seeing elsewhere", Kat spoke slowly, bring the speed of her steps down as well. Lilly slowed down too.

"Bell's a decent guy", Lilly said, "What if he's better than this other person? How would you know?"

"He is but I think I know what I'm seeing with this other person", Kat didn't want to corner Lilly, not during this case of all times, so she gave her an out, "And I think, I just want to wait a little longer, no crime in that".

"No. No crime", Lilly had an interesting flushed red on the tips of her cheekbones and Kat wanted to reach out and brush them away, they stood out so starkly with how pale Lilly was.

"Want to get back to work? See if we can't catch the animal that did this?", Kat asked and Lilly took the offer in a second.

Kat could wait, just a little bit longer.


	30. Wait No Longer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Season 6, Episode 23, “The Long Blue Line”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween everyone :)

“You meant to be doing that?” Kat’s voice meant that Lilly had been caught mid-act. Lilly looked over her shoulder and tried to look innocent.

“I can dress myself,” Lilly protested, quickly buttoning up the last two buttons on her shirt. “See, all done. Been doing it since I was four.”

“They cleared you to check out?” Kat asked, closing the distance between them and tugging on Lilly’s shirt to straighten it up. “Or are you busting out against medical advice?”

“I wasn’t that badly hurt," Lilly said, hoping her cheeks weren’t as red as they were warm at Kat’s gesture.

“Nah, just a light case of drowning.” Kat tried to be flippant but her voice wobbled in the middle of the sentence.

“Maybe I should be asking if you’re alright,” Lilly said.

Kat breathed out slowly and looked off to the side to avoid Lilly’s gaze.

“I’m not but I will be,” she admitted. “You just got no idea what it was like seeing them drag you out of that river.”

Lilly glanced at the door to check they were still alone, then took Kat’s hands in hers, pulled her in and hugged her tightly. She smiled at the surprised squeak from the other detective, then Kat relaxed into the hug and returned it.

“I’m okay.”

"No you're not," Kat challenged, "but you won't feel it yet, you know that."

Lilly knew Kat was right. After she had been shot, she had felt ready to go back to work long before she was actually signed off to. It was just as well they refused to sign her off to return, because when the reality of it all hit her, she certainly wasn't fit to be back at work.

"Let me take you home?" Kat asked, "With me, so I know you're not by yourself."

Lilly's first instinct was to refuse and insist that she was fine to look after herself but it was impossible to refuse Kat Miller anything when she was wrapped up in your arms so Lilly gave in without a fight.

By the time they got to Kat's place, Lilly was starting to realise that she might not be as ready to be out of the hospital as she thought. Kat saw her wobble as she got out of the car but didn't say anything, though it would have been one hell of a 'told you so' moment.

Lilly paused at the bottom of the stairs and asked Kat for help. Knowing how difficult it must have been for Lilly to ask, Kat did so without comment. After she let them inside, she helped Lilly to the sofa and went to make them some coffee. Lilly couldn't remember if she was supposed to drink coffee or not, she wasn't even sure whether the doctor had stipulated.

"Here, it's decaf," Kat said when she returned and it seemed Lilly hadn't needed to worry because Kat was already two steps ahead of her.

They sat in silence, sipping at their hot drinks just as a means of avoiding conversation until Lilly couldn't stay silent any longer. She put her cup down and, with a slightly wince, turned to Kat.

"You said, you could wait a little longer," Lilly said, "but we nearly didn't have a later for you to wait until."

Kat looked surprised to see Lilly speak so openly but she kept her mouth shut so Lilly could continue.

"That's the problem with waiting, I suppose." Lilly took Kat's cup from her, wrapping her hands around the warm ceramic, and placed it carefully next to her cup on the table. "We think we have time and that's not always true. With everything we see, we know that better than most."

"I guess we do," Kat spoke when Lilly fumbled over what to say next. "So what are you saying?"

"That..." Lilly swallowed the uncertainty. "That I don't want to wait and risk running out of time. That I want to..." Words didn't seem enough and so Lilly shimmied forward a little and reached up to cup Kat's face, traced her thumb in a gentle circle on Kat's cheek.

Kat nodded, enough that Lilly was sure that she wanted this to happen too, and before she could lose her nerve, Lilly closed the gap between them and kissed her.

Was it a few seconds that passed? A minute? Lilly couldn't tell. One of Kat's hands went to the back of Lilly's neck and the warmth and pressure was so delightful that Lilly thought the whole moment might overwhelm her. Then the second after Kat pulled back and cool replaced the warmth where her lips had been, Lilly missed the touch of the other woman and wanted it back.

"Let's take this somewhere a little more comfortable," Kat whispered, "I mean, if you want?"

Lilly just smiled back and let Kat tug her to her feet and lead her to the bedroom.


End file.
